Past Missions - Reports fae some o' those we can remember

Mission Codename:  Wrecked in Reykjavik

Opponents/Venue:  Iceland / Reykjavik

Date: 12/10/02

Result:  Iceland 0 Scotland 2

Report:

		The troops assembled the night before the mission at Piper Major Gooch's “Love Shack”, next day we were there "Wrecked in Reykjavik" for the first time ever there was a presence of sensibility in the squad, Lance Corporal Anderson announced we were heading for the Blue Lagoons. (Editor's voice - At the time it sounded like a great idea, to take in a bit of the islands history, and capture some scenic snaps, but not until we got home did we realise how gay all those Calendar shots really looked!) After hours of frolicking in the buff we hit the town and were able to confirm why Reykjavik holds it's rightful place, as the fourth best Night out in the World, although we could have bought the Faroes for what the Tartan Army spend that trip
Next day the Troops marched to the game led by Pipe Major Gooch and we received a gracious welcome from the locals, the game was also a hit partying with the Icelandic’s, although we did manage to convert their only song - Dit,dit,ditdit dit Ice-land! Into Dit, dit, ditdit, dit East Fife! Never mind we managed to sneak a wee win. After the game much to everyone’s disappointment the Penis Museum was closed, so we had to settle for a gander round the Icelandic version of Anne Summers, which could have quite easily been re-named Willy Winters. The Squad keeping up with the good behaviour then went to a posh Italian Restaurant for an unusual square meal, but we weren’t long in lowering the tone when we skipped dessert for a game of Sing, Sing or show us your Cum Face! (Editors voice – Great game, copyright Sons of the Saltire) The following day when the troops were weary before the long march home we were blessed with a new companion when Tank Commander Marsh and Red Beret Hadden, appeared in Nellie’s with a Horses Heed (Editor's voice - Thankfully for us, it was a hobby horse for TCM's wee boy!) and there and then "Champion the Wonder Horse" was reborn!
		The tired and extremely hung over troops gathered at Kejlflik airport with only the odd one or two quite perky and playing with Champion in the corner of the bar, next thing we here a cry "Piper down!, Piper Down!”. and here's "Spud the Piper" being pushed around by one of his mates in a wheelchair. His mate arrived in our company, requesting if Pipe Major Gooch would crank them up as Spud was too drunk to pipe. What follow can only be described as "Passionate, Patriotic, Piping, Penetrating Performance", as the tunes flowed, the place stopped, workers downed tools, shop assistants left their posts, the Japs went for there Fuji's and everyone in the entire upper floor of the airport paused in appreciation as they enjoyed a  purely magical phenomenon. The tunes ceased, the crowd erupted, the troops left and that was - "Wrecked in Reykjavik"

Mission Codename:  Dietered in Dortmund

Opponents/Venue:  Germany / Dortmund

Date: 10/09/03

Result:  Germany 2 Scotland 1

Report:

		Knew this was gonna be a good one from the off, when we were on the train to Düsseldorf, some local says in broken English “av u been to Germany before” Lance Corporal Anderson replies smugly “No but my Granda has, but that was just to drop something off!” the troops irrupt. The next thing we are buying pizza in the train station and the nugget behind the counter thinks we are the national team and starts asking for autographs! That night, the Alshtade was treated to a right party with Pipe Major Gooch leading the kind of threesome he’s not used to, (Editors voice – For those of you who don’t know him, if he couldn’t play the pipes his handle would likely be - Sexual Deviant Stephen) when we met a couple of pipers outside a bar and they laced the streets with the full flow of the pipes.
Next day we hit Dortmund for the big festival that never was, rather than get soaked outside we had a major soak inside. It was long hard chav but we finally managed to get “Dietered in Dortmund” even though the toilet was out of order we managed to leave 44 pints of piss under the table before we left! The only high light of the long drunken affair was meeting, Scotland Football Legend “Diego Maradonna” (Editors voice – Ok he was close German look alike but every soldier in “Sons of the Saltire” regiment shook “thee hand”, like it were real, that day!) Once outside the foam party began some random had emptied a few bottles of fairy liquid into the fountain in the square, next all the lads are dancing on the podium’s, bar 2, Secret Agent Stephen and Field Marshal Noble take it one step further and dive into the fountain, freezing cal water and a yard‘o’tartan nae a good idea!
		Then the Game - (Editors voice – Don’t have to say much about that, I think Christian Daily basically covered it - click here !) enough said. Back to Düsseldorf to wrap up the trip with a mega sesh, after being missing in action and missing the game, due to the fact he was a shivering wreck post foam party, we meet up with Secret Agent Stephen posing as “A Guy wee a Pie” in some mafia run dodgy den. (Editor’s voice – The Mafia bit may have been an accusation but it is justified considering the bar maid or any of the workers had a full set of fingers, defiantly no Pipers!)  Some lads drank all night some lads played Celebrity Squares but all in all we certainly were “Dietered in Dortmund”

Mission Codename:  Smashed in San Marino

Opponents/Venue:  San Marino 

Date: 07/10/00

Result:  San Marino 0 Scotland 2

Report:

		Imagine the romantic, Italian holiday resort of Rimini bursting with sunshine and passion – Boomshanker! Reality check, Thunder and Lightning for four days, resort absolutely dead, locals making you feel about as welcome as a Scotsman in the English end at Wembley!, Welcome to “Smashed in San Marino”. The first night we went straight out on the lash and completed the pub crawl of all four bars, within an hour, none of us seem to remember very much after that but here goes. Tank Commander Marsh wakens up on the road to nowhere kidnapped by two Iti’s in a Taxi, with visions of being tied up, gagged and fag burns on his ass, he jumps from a moving vehicle, is  chased by a dog, sleeps under a tree , with blood pouring from almost every orifice, he stumbles across a little café, where wet and shaking, a nice old lady makes him a cappuccino, buys him a muffin then…….calls the cops! He’s delivered back to the hotel at breakfast time to a great cheer, then to find that he’s not the only casualty, Wing Commander Strachan had collapsed in the wrong hotel foyer to awaken in the morning and find he’d been partially raped and mugged of his t-shirt (Editors voice – Thankfully for all the locals at that time, it was quite a trim, Lean Mean Bean they Seen!)
As we prepared for the trip to San Marino our hotel, which had run out of booze the night before, was topping up, then arrives Tail Gunner Vona with a shocking  blue heid, which had come via tattoo in a can applied at point blank range (Editors voice – Many think it seeped through to the brain!) On arrival in San Marino you could sense you were experiencing something special, we ground up to the top of the hill, drifting in and out of the mist, we took up residence in a restaurant well above the province, for simplicity we all decided to drink the same, the barman was asked for a round of vodka and lemonade to which he sniggered then continued to rack up the shot glasses, then retrieved this smoking bottle of Vodka??ish from the freezer, (Editors voice – Fluff knows what it was, but it went down like water and hit you like Colin Hendry's Elbow) ten rounds later and check the shape – Starfished and Shitfaced! We tumbled down the hill to the game, everyone was so hammered we couldn’t find our seats, so we stood at the front, we sang non-stop the whole game, had a flash back of drinking pints in the stadium? and celebrated the first goal like we’d one the World Cup!! (Editors voice – It wasn’t till we got home and watched the game again did we realise the impact, you could here “Bob the Builder can he fix it!" ringing round the stadium and the commentator saying and there’s some fans “really” celebrating at the front!)
		We left San Marino, many never remembered being there! Next day after a successful head count about lunch time, we gathered and agreed solids should be consumed for the first time in the trip, but by 3 o’clock everyone was reeling again with the closest thing to a solid being ice in your drink, we completed the pub tour again in much more sluggish fashion with the first couple of hours spent interviewing Father Ted! (Editor's voice – This guy was a dead ringer and since none of us was in a fit shape to spell our name, he may well have been him – see my boy!) This next wee escapade is pure Tartan Army Magic; (Editors voice - let’s introduce you to the Bowie’s, straight faced identical twins, thick as thieves and thicker than Willie Miller’s tash!) It goes like this - Drill Sergeant Bowie turns the corner to find Ground Sniper Bowie rolling on the deck covered in blood, he screams “right, oot yah come”, “fa fluffin did it”? To which his brother replies the fluffing grun! (Editor's voice – The Ground Sniper had staggered round the corner, missed his footing and proceeded to wipe out twa tables and six chairs before hoovering the concrete we his forehead – you can see where the handle came fae.)
Next day we board the bus for the Lang haul hame, everyone is dying, there’s no crack, your feeling thon horrible hangover feeling ill, shaky, guilty, self sorry, depressed, really with no doubt – “Smashed in San Marino” then…………on walks Bowie covered in gravel rash, blood stains, spewings and all of sudden you’ve got a new lease of life again, no matter how bad your feelin, your feelin better than Bowie! The crack starts flying their all coming out, Bowie’s pleading for you to stop, because his ribs are sare when he laughs, but I’ll leave you with a classic when Brigadier Buchan pipe’s up with – "well, well Bowie never mind, next we come back they’ll maybe hae water in the pool!!!!"		(Ground Sniper Bowie afore the smash)